Saturday, 14 March 2015

Cat Meets Dog

by Carlton Cat

 


STOP, STOP!

For flip's sake will you stop posting these videos of cuddly, cuddly cats and dogs. The only good dog, in my view, is a hot dog - without the bread and mustard, obviously. This cat Jasper has clearly been brain-washed and thinks Bow-Z is his long lost brother. I don't care how many hits it has had on YouTube, it MUST BE REMOVED.
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Thursday, 12 March 2015

It's Not Deep Purple or Paloma Faith

by Carlton Cat

 



THAT'S Purrfect have asked me to review some music written especially for cats by some American researchers.

I don't mind the occasional ballad but most human music leaves me cold. When Mrs is out, Mr occasionally plays songs by people called Deep Purple, Black Sabbath and Whitesnake. He then plays air guitar while stomping around the sitting-room banging his head up and down. The volume is deafening and I usually skedaddle out into the garden - although I'd need to skedaddle several miles away if I wasn't to hear it at all.

Mrs's tastes are little more "quiet". She plays people like Mumford And Sons (strange emotional wailing), Bruce Springsteen (strange loud wailing) and Paloma Faith (strange female wailing).

So my hopes weren't high for this cat music malarkey. However, I was pleasantly surprised. The violins were pitched nice and high - just right for my feline ears - and the background purring effect was soothing. I'd just eaten a bellyful of woodlice so I was ready for my postprandial nap. I settled down and let the notes waft over me and soon I was purring away in the land of nod, feeling relaxed and happy.

What can I say? It didn't make my ears bleed and it helped me get to sleep...so more, please.
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Friday, 28 March 2014

Carlton Cat: Drug-sniffing dogs



by Carlton Cat

Mr and Mrs were watching a TV programme about dogs sniffing out drugs in airports. There they were, sniffing their arses and then the suitcases (the dogs, that is, not Mr and Mrs). The humans sat on the sofa oohing and aahing. "Oo, aren't they clever?" "Ahh, what a clever dog!" "Oo, he's gone straight for that woman's crotch." "Ahh, I'm sure he's smiling."
Yeah, well. The reason why I am never going to be tarting myself up and schlepping around some airport, showing off, is because I AM NOT A GRASS.  I'm not an effing little tattle-tale. I'm not a stool pigeon. I leave all that to those toadying, desperate-to-please yappers.
That is all.
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Sunday, 9 March 2014

Carlton Cat: The Case of the Disappearing Catnip Toy

I'm angry.


by Carlton Cat

Is there no end to the cruelties I have to endure? The other day it was sub-standard food (supermarket own brand - need I say more) and this morning Mr and Mrs have disappeared for the day leaving my best catnip toy on the top shelf of the dresser. They put it there yesterday evening to stop me tearing around the house chasing it while they were trying to watch television. I've tried getting it myself. Serves them right that I've knocked half a dozen ornaments off the dresser. I've always hated that porcelain hedgehog thing. I think I've done them a favour. So here I am, home alone, and I can't remember the telephone number for the police.
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Thursday, 6 March 2014

Carlton Cat: Blackbeard Tames A Dog

by Carlton Cat

Hi, Peeps. I know you all think I'm a grumpy old sod, but I do have a few friends - admittedly, quite a few enemies (Rajah. Spit.) Here's one of them, Blackbeard, who has a lot of qualities I admire, like pigheadedness, deviousness, bossiness and fearlessness.

He is in the unfortunate position of having to live with a dog. Fortunately most dogs are drooling fools and are easy to bamboozle.

I have proof....


Picture from www.funnycatpix.com Take a look at this site for lots of pix.

That's Purrfect is a great cat website with lots of crazy pictures and videos, as well as news and stuff about cat health.




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Thursday, 27 February 2014

Carlton Cat: Wet Cat, Warm Bed, Manic Mouse



by Carlton Cat

It was raining last night. I went out hunting and caught myself a lovely little mouse. We played for a bit, you know how it is, before he hitched a ride in my mouth and we went inside. I was feeling generous and thought I'd share the lurve so I pushed open the bedroom door, went to Mrs's side of the bed and crawled under the duvet, snuggling up to her stomach, thinking I'd soon get dry. She woke up with a start, screamed and accidentally hit Mr in the face. That scream was just a starter. You should have heard her screeching when she felt the mouse rushing about under the duvet trying to escape. It was half an hour before they managed to corner it and put it back outside. I've been imprisoned in the office with no immediate prospect of parole. They are deaf to my scratching and meowing. Ungrateful sods. There's just no pleasing some people.
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Wednesday, 26 February 2014

Carlton Cat: Cheap Food v Dear Food

I'd rather do this than eat that cheap muck they fed me.


by Carlton Cat

I have trained Mr and Mrs to buy me the most expensive and most delicious cat food by the simple expedient of refusing to eat anything else.

But last week there was trouble in paradise. 

Mrs usually does the shopping but because of a family hitch with which I won't bore you, Mr set off for the supermarket bearing a list as long as your arm.

When he got home and plonked the carrier bags on the kitchen floor, I nosed around looking for my Plumptious Pieces In Gravy. Instead, all I found was the supermarket's OWN BRAND. Yes, I know, you're shocked. OWN BRAND.

Mrs was dubious. "He won't eat that," she said.

"What do you mean,' he won't eat that'? He's just a cat for God's sake, not Gordon Ramsay."

He spooned some of the solidified mess into my bowl. I sniffed it. Then, tail held high, turned and stalked away.

"Told you," said Mrs with a hint of triumph in her voice.

"He'll eat it when he's hungry," said Mr, a little crossly, I thought.

Of course, I didn't. I popped next  door and pinched some of Rajah's. He caught me, which resulted in a bit of a contretemps - but some ruffled fur is a small price to pay for a lifetime of gourmet nibbles.

I went home and sat on the sofa, panting pathetically.

"Look what you've done!" yelled Mrs at Mr. "He's already looking really ill. That cheap stuff is POISON to a cat like Carlton."

"Don't be ridiculous," said Mr, "He hasn't even eaten any yet."

By the evening the gloop was still in the bowl. I put Stage 2 of my plan into operation. With both of them watching, I dragged myself to the bowl, took two mouthfuls and promptly threw up on Mr's shoes.

You'll be happy to hear there is no need for Stage 3. Mr threw up his hands in surrender, got in the car (after changing his shoes) and drove off for some foil cartons of Plumptious Pieces In Gravy.

Throwing up on demand is a skill all cats should learn. 


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